Little Journal Of Words

I often look at the crooked corners of my house and find potted plants placed ever so carefully by my mother. There's something about the way she nurtures her plants that reminds me of all the ways she nurtured me. As I gaze at them with a paperback in hand, I can't help but reminisce about the moments she spent teaching me how to identify a certain flower, differentiate between similar-looking trees, or spot a specific bird among others, even though she knew I'd forget the very next second. But I'll never forget the summer evenings we strolled through her rooftop garden, the rainy afternoons when she couldn't be contained indoors (she loves the rain), and the winter mornings when I sat among the houseplants to study, read, or journal. Maybe it was in those moments that I felt most like myself, free from external obligations. Perhaps that’s why, no matter where I go, nature will always remind me of my mother. -Ananya Gupta

  Fall is such a foreign concept for people living in my country. All my life, I’ve wanted to put on a Halloween costume on the 31st of October, but unfortunately, that never happened. So, I try to live vicariously through reading creepy books and watching my comfort shows and movies. Even though it’s supposed to be a festival to ward off evil and spirits, somewhere, I find comfort in it. It feels like my entire childhood is defined by the number of Halloweens I spent, much like Christmas.  Maybe I’m just blabbering right now, but there’s a bit of contentment in this. It has been a while since I’ve written something just because I wanted to write. This stream-of-consciousness style of writing seems to be helping me a lot. After a certain age, everything around us seems to lose its vibrancy. However, there are moments like this where one can find ease even in the mundane. I cannot believe how fast we’re flying through this year, yet somewhere, time stands still.

 I've been slipping in and out of consciousness.  What's consciousness? I'm not quite sure.  All my life, I've lived in this vessel, With a rope tugging at my bones.  The world around me spins harder,  Like a carousel run by ghosts.  Ghosts from my past, Ghosts I can't quite get rid of, Ghosts I slowly started to call my own.  -Ananya Gupta 

 Who am I?  I'm the fragments of the books I read, Of pages ever so crooked, but print still fine. Sometimes fantasy, sometimes non-fiction, And sometimes the disturbingly horrific genre, that keeps you up at night, clutching your sheets tightly to you heart, hoping that none of your vulnerability would seep through the fabric. I'm the songs that I listen to, Songs that you sometimes hate,  Songs that you sometimes love. Songs that you pretend to hate for the sake of worldly approval. Songs that you call stupid, but then cry listening to at night. Songs that you would never even give a chance to. I'm pieces of the Café that I often like to visit, Only to drink hot chocolate, on a hot summer evening. I'm places, where grass fails to grow, damaged beyond repair. I'm someone you desire me to be,  Almost but not quite. I'm all the stars in the night sky, That wishes to be seen, Almost but not quite. That makes no difference, Nevertheless, ceases to exist, Almost but...

 Pale face, frail arms, Limbs as thin as branches, Shaking uncontrollably like a tree does on a stormy night.  Storm indeed pass through that night, Destroying the child within.  "Nothing would happen. We would get through this like we always do.", said another tiny set of arms holding tightly,  The wails grew louder,  Deafening almost, Deafening yet audible enough.  "Tomorrow morning, everything will get back to normal like it always does", words of comfort laced with terror.  Those words turned out to be true, but not quiet. The storm didn't leave their dwelling,  Not until one or all of them were dead. Death knocked on the door, indeed, Death of their innocence. -Ananya Gupta 

If you're a person with mental health issues, then you know what kind of hardships you deal with everyday. You cannot predict what your mood is gonna be the next moment. You can be very excited for an upcoming event, thinking that you're gonna enjoy with your loved ones. And when the day would come, it'll turn out to be something totally different. You'd get the worst panic attacks of your life and everyone around you will think that you're making some sort of lame excuse to get out of it. You can know someone for years and still it would make you sweat profusely, thinking of talking to them. You would know the exact answer to your teacher's questions and still wouldn't raise the hand and answer, thinking that it would be wrong and everyone will laugh at you. You'd feel afraid of running or dancing with your friends, because that would increase your heartbeat and you'd feel like your heart is going to explode and come out of your ribcage and ...

Hey everyone, I know it's been a while since I updated my blog. The truth is that I lost my motivation to write and somewhere during this Quarantine, I'm trying to polish up my skills. I'm also trying to read as much as possible. For a while I actually forgot how much of joy it brings me to read and write. Its a shame that our busy lives can change so much about us. Mental health is also one of the reasons why you stop doing what you liked to do. I'm trying to write my thoughts down as much as possible, and surprisingly, there's just so much I wanna write. Let's just begin with the fact that we're currently trying to survive through a Pandemic. And I'm scared. I'm scared to witness people that I love, in pain. I'm scared for the fact that so many people are losing their lives, and so many people are trying to pretend that they're invincible.I don't even know how I'm holding myself together. But I'm proud of myself. As much as...

I know it's been a while since I uploaded anything on my blog. And that's because I wanted to keep it real with my readers. Maybe I was not being real with me all this time? Or maybe I didn't even know what to write about in my blog anymore. Because let's be honest, the creative writer in me kinda died over the past few years. I still remember those days when I used to write short stories online and had the guts to post them for people to read them and give their feedback. It made me happy. It made me feel confident about my work. But over the years, that part of me died down, maybe just a little. But part of me still wishes to write and show the world what I have to offer to them. And I think the best way to start doing that is by being super real in my blogs and updating people more about my life, so people know that the girl you think I am, might have so much more inside her that she just wants to let out. Speaking of my life, let's talk about what is on my m...

When you love someone unconditionally, you love them enough to let them go.  It doesn't matter who they are with; as long as they are happy, you're content.  You feel blessed that no matter where they are, both you and that person share the roof under the same sky, same moon, Sun and the stars. What they are doing doesn't bother you, as long as they are loving every minute of it.  And as for you missing them?  Well it's a part of loving them. You're gonna miss them all the time, wish for them to be with you, wish for them to talk to you about their day and how they are doing. You're gonna wish for them to share what makes them daydream and what keeps them up at night. You're gonna want to know every details of their life.  But sometimes, you don't. But that's okay. Because you know, as long as they are wrapped up with happiness, there's nothing that can harm them. And you know that as long as you're alive, there's nothing which can chang...

It’s okay if you’re lying on the bed, not interacting with anyone. It’s okay if you don’t go out with your friends on weekends, because you’re mentally and emotionally tired. It’s okay if all you wanna do is lie on bed all day, eating ice creams and watching your favorite TV shows. It’s okay to not be active on social medias. And it’s okay if you don’t want to give an explanation for it to anyone, you don’t have to. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to have some alone time.  But it’s not okay to blame yourself for every little thing that went wrong with you or someone else’s life. It’s not okay to think that you’re the reason why everything is so messed up. It’s not okay to think that you don’t deserve happiness. It’s not okay to think that the only reason you’re alive is to cause problems and difficulties. It’s not okay to think that you’re not worth the love of people.  Honey, you have no idea how much your presence affects other people, in a good way. You have no idea how many ti...

She was slowly breaking. Going back to the point from where she started. Gurgling out the sorrow that she thought she could hold back as long as she lived. Tearing up blood through her hollow and tired eyes, begging for the world to stop.  But does it even matter? Does it matter that she was slowly drifting into darkness as it was prevailing, trying to engulf her everyday. Trying to stab her bones with sharp daggers. Trying to make sure that she stops trying the very next moment.  Struggling, choking for air, she continued to get up, only to get knocked down on her knees, again.  For some reason, it hurts to think that the world is a nasty place. She tries to think other wise, only to be proved wrong, again and again.  Is it really worth it? Is it really worth all the struggle that she has to go through in order to free herself from the chains that bind her? Every jolt leave red marks on her skin. Some makes sure that it never leaves her flesh. Yet her naïve m...

 When you give people everything that you have, you eventually feel empty. And then one day when you loose your ability to give out anything, they call you a heartless fucking stone. It's not like it's your fault. It's not their fault either. It's just that with time, everything that you have and everything that you own, exhausts. Almost like a sand clock. You can't just do anything to stop those sand grains from falling. No matter how hard you try, all of it is gonna have enough room to fall out of those gaps between your fingers. It's just how it is. And all you can do is watch them fall and get mixed with those other grains.

So, this is it. This is the end of it all. My insides are so heavy right now, that I can't even spill out any word without blood seeping out of my heart. Last chapter is always the hardest and most heart breaking one to write. Because once you write it down, everything is gone forever. That book would end with a fascinating or a heart wrenching story to tell. Credits would be written in the next page. And then that's it. Over. But I hope that this book would not be the end of the story. I wish with all my heart that this story would have better sequels in the near future. This place and its rooms hold so many memories and stories, that there could literally be a library full of it. The corridors speak to us, like it's been there, seen it all. The benches and walls have numerous tattoos inked on them; each one holds a very expensive meaning to it. The playground has everyone's footsteps marked on it, which would can never be washed out by any storms or rai...

After the day she spent in complete felicity, this city felt so familiar to her. It has only been 2 days since she's here. But every corner of this place felt like home. Every block talked to her in a form, like they hold some meaning in her life. She ran like a free bird, caged to die. She wandered like the only leaf that has some life left in it, before the queen of autumn hits it with death. Abigail opened her notebook and started writing: There's one thing that I'm never gonna do again for sure. I'm never gonna let people know how I feel about them. I'm not gonna let someone know when I miss them. Nor will they ever get to know if I love them.  There's this thing, whenever you let people know what you feel like and pour your heart out and be honest, they slowly drift apart or start ignoring your existence. People say that you should confess your emotions and everything, but that's false. No one ever reciprocates .  But then again, how a...

As we walk along the stony pavement on a rainy evening, my full concentration is on your words, and what you have to say. You listen to me, waving my hands in the air, telling you how lousy my day was. I don't know what it is, but I don't feel my heart racing inside my ribcage, or my heart skipping a beat when I'm with you. I don't feel nervous like they say; people feel when they're in love with someone. I feel rather calm and relaxed when you're around. A warm feeling washes over me when you are in my sight. It makes me feel protected and surreal. I don't exactly have words to express what I feel for you. I'm not even sure if I'm love. But there's one thing that I know, I don't feel like this around anybody else, and this is definitely not anything less than love, maybe it is more than that in higher altitudes. Maybe not everyone is able to handle this kind of feeling, like not everyone can climb the Mount Everest. And I'm elated ...

You know what my problem is? I can't fight for the people I want in my life, when someone else is fighting with me. I can't fight back. I just let them take away my most favorite person in the world, and then regret for not actually doing anything at the moment. Because if they really want to stay, they would make an effort to stay with me. I know it's stupid and I agree that I'm a hypocrite, but that is what it is. That is how I feel. But yeah, I'm learning.

You know what? I need that. I need someone beside him to remind me that he was never mine . I need something to never let me forget or get used to the pain of loving him. The pain is excruciatingly beautiful. Something that would make me walk on the daggers that leads to his heart. But of course the journey through the path of daggers is not easy. It would cut me open, so weak and vulnerable. It would make me cry a million times. But when I’d reach on the other end, his heart would be there. Or maybe not? Because he was never mine .

Well, the title explains it all. Ever wondered what it was like when we were kids? If any of our friends stopped talking, we used to bug them with questions like,"What happened?"or "Why are you not talking to me?", till they would start talking to us again. What happened to all that? What happened to us? Did we really grow up so much, that we can't even ask each other those same questions again? When did all those Innocence & Friendship changed into ego? Remember that friend of yours with whom you used to talk about everything? Now you can barely look at him. And WHY IS THAT? Is it really MISUNDERSTANDING? or EGO? If this is some sort of grown up thing, then trust me I don't wanna grow up. Like seriously? Why can't we just talk about it all and let it be the way it was? Is it really that hard? Okay, I get it that sometimes it's hard but did you ever try? Or are you waiting for them to make that move? I'm not that type of person wh...

So, here's one of the thing that this year taught me. And that is, you don't always have to do what makes you happy or what you think is right. Sometimes you gotta do things that makes others happy and it may not be the right thing to do, but trust me, you'll figure it out soon. This makes no sense, right? Well, it does. To me, at least.

Hey there people! Yes, I am alive! SURPRISE! xD haha The last time I blogged was exactly two months ago and I was a different person then. Gosh! I can't even believe how much things changed in these past two months. I'm a whole new person now. The girl who was two months ago, was someone who would've been trying to find answers to certain questions. She used be confused at times and stay up all night, trying to figure everything out. She changed. Well, maybe in a certain way. She learnt a lot over the past few months and now she's a different Me . Crazy, isn't it? I know. Well, speaking of crazy, I can't believe this year is almost over! December is gonna be here in less than a week! And guess what? Its my birth month! :D Haha! TBH, I don't even know how I feel about it. It feels kinda exciting as well as weird. Idk... Anyway, I guess I'm gonna be updating my blog more often than I usually do :D Till then, adios amigos!